Overheard at work:

"You look more like a Barbie doll every time I see you."
"Thanks!"

It just struck me as strange is all.

The time has come for another Weekly Wrapup. Really, I just wanna get it over w/. Here's what I did:

1. Saw two old black ladies wearing shirts that said, "Before Evlis, there was nothing" and thought it was pretty strange.
2. Debated the merrits of a horseraddish vs. a twice-backed potato crust.
3. Took one of my guitars to the shop.
4. Played some slide... poorly.
5. Ate some microwaved macaroni and cheese--horrible, just horrible.
   
6. six six
7. Didn't quite toast some waffles long enough but at them anyway.
   
8. Added sugar to increase alcohol content.
   
9. Considered a full windsor.
   

I have w/ me right now on free vitamin sample from Kramer's Health Foods. The brand of these vitamins is Alive!--w/ the exclamation point--and let me tell you, they're beasts. You take three of 'em and you get, among other things, an amazing one thousand six hundred and sixty-seven percent of you daily allowance of both vitamin C and thiamine and twenty-five hundred percent of your daily allowance of vitamin B6. But that's not all! On top of all that, you get three thousand three hundred and thirty-three percent of your daily allowance of vitamin B12. That's right, you take a few of these babies and even if you don't eat a scrap of food for thirty-three days, you still won't be hurting for vitamin B12. You'll be the envy of the neighborhood for sure. "That Jimmy," they'll say (I'm assuming your name is Jimmy here), "He sure don't know much but damned if he ain't super-charged w/ energy on account of all that B12 he been takin'."

Dear Authors, esp. those who write fiction:

Could you please stop having main characters who have an abnormal affinity for reading and/or "always did best in English." It's cliche to a such a point that the very idea of a well-read protagonist makes me clench my jaw at the taste of bile. I know you want to put a little bit of yourself into your lead. Guess what? Everyone else does too and--this is the part that might be hard to wrap your brain around--people who end up being writers are just bound to like reading and writing better than most. Because of this, I've spend year after year reading story after story w/ all these goddamn bookworm shits as heroes. For God's sake, can't you just write a book about someone who's into professional wrestling or something? Crap.

I took Alka-Seltzer for the first time yesterday. It works as advertised but tastes like baking soda.

I admit it. The rumors are true. I am the smartest man alive. (But not the smartest man who's ever lived. He's dead.) I do exactly nine things every week in order to achieve balance and insight. I create lists of these nine things every Friday for the benefit of my readers. I call it the Weekly Wrapup:

1. Called some guy who lives an hour and a half away.
2. Completely lost it.
3. Took the bus home.
4. Thought I was dead.
   
5. Ate two packages of ramen noodles in one day,
   
6. six six
7. Rolled stuff in dough.
   
8. Had a awkward hugging experience.
   
9. Considered not finishing this list.
   

There you are. Hope that helps. Peace be w/ you and all that.

The more work I have, the less I want to do. The world's demands on me are stupid and I'm lazy.

Lately, people have taken to writing down email addresses on scraps of paper and handing them to me. "Email this guy and ask him about something." What? "I don't even know where to start." Well--my advice is that the first step you take is figuring that out. The next step would be you emailing that guy. And the last would be you keeping your fat ass planted in your chair and not coming to my desk to make non-descriptive and inarticulate demands. Thanks.

Things that aren't funny on Monday morning aren't funny ever.

Calling the internet or the world wide web something silly as if to feign ignorance or mock the uninitiated by calling it the "interweb" or "cybernet" or whatever isn't funny. It never was funny. It never will be funny. Using it as an attempt at humor only reveals your lack of wit and exposes your intellect as the sham it really is.

Weekly Wrapup:

1. Almost forgot to write this today.
2. Decided to do it really half-ass.
3. Figured nobody reads this damn thing anyway.
   
4. Wondered who cares.
5. Realized that it was nobody.
   
6. six six
7. Thought that maybe you cared, you sad bastard.
   
8. Called you a sad bastard.
   
9. Considered calling you an asshole.

Sincerely,
Logical Frank

A hippie named Thimble stole my lunch. The circumstances surrounding this event are complex and varied but rest assured that when my lentils find their way into other people's dirty, hippie bellies, the revenge I extract is swift and brutal.

I work w/ the kind of people who think lentils are unhealthy. I'll let you just mill that over for a bit.

I've eaten a lot of ramen noodles lately, let me tell you. I've discovered the best recipe ever and once you've found the best, you tend to stick w/ it. Here's how you do it:

Ingredients:

1. One (1) Package Top Ramen Oriental Flavor (I'm not sure what "oriental" is supposed to taste like but this is the only flavor w/o mutant meat biproducts in it.)
   
2. Two (2) Tablespoons Sriracha hot sauce--the finest in the world.
3. One (1) Tablespoon Peanut butter

Process:

Now what you do is put the noodles in a little Tupperware container that you brought from home expressely for this purpose and add enough water that the ramen noodles are floating about a half-inch from the bottom. Microwave this for two minutes and tweny-two seconds and let it sit there for a couple minutes while you drink water out of your coffee cup. Once the noodles are all soft add the seasoning packet from the ramen, stir and add the hotsauce and peanut butter. Mash it all up real good w/ your spoon and go back to your desk to post on your blog.

I hate it when people pass cards around the office for everyone to sign whenever somebody leaves. What am I suposed say on such a card?

"Sorry I never got to know you well. You never seemed particularly interesting or intelligent. Still--I wish you the best."

So I was Googling my own websites in a quasi-arrogant but self-conscious manner and ran across an entry I did for my blog on Blogflux. I really think the comment I left for myself is a tour de force in the field of modern humor, if I do say so myself.

Due to the mad tech support and network administration I've been up to, I almost forgot everyone's favorite entry, the Weekly Wrapup. I don't know what you'd do w/o me. Here's what I did this week.

1. Drank a beverage that was half energy drink and half juice. It's everything you might want in a beverage plus half energy drink and half juice, minus beer.
2. Had numerous difficulties w/ lentils.
3. Designed.
4. Misread a product description.
5. Got an Illinois driver's license.
   
6. six six
7. Was generally grouchy.
8. Bottled some mead.
9. Considered how long to wait.
   

So that's about it--exactly nine things per week for emotional integrity and psychic balance.

To the internet community in general:

It appears to me that you aren't buying my stuff as I would like you to be. The issue I have w/ this is I don't want that stuff but I do want the six hundred dollars that I'm selling it for. As of now, my money to stuff ratio is off and I need to skew it in favor of the money side for a brief couple days so that I might replace the stuff I don't want w/ stuff I do want. The advantage of this to you is that it will even out your own money to stuff-that-people-named-Frank-used-to-own ratio which is currently skewed about six hundred dollars toward the money side. Don't you feel a little unbalanced walking around? That's because you're wallet's too heavy and you aren't carrying around a fifty watt Marshall fullstack (albeit w/ one of the cabs being a Peavey). Why not? Don't ask me. I'm not the one who should be buying my stuff. I can't buy that stuff. It's mine already and that's problem.

Sincerely,
Frank

C'mon people, buy my stuff!