Microwave Lunch Eaters:

You are the rudest and least considerate people in the world. You stinking up your workplace w/ your vile, vile lunch is about equivalent in terms of obnoxiousness as me coming into your cubicle and singing sea chanteys.

Chickens:

While your meat is delicious, it is potentially deadly if improperly prepared due to you disease-laden nature. Could you be a little more careful about sanitation in the future.? You're going to die early one way or the other, there's no reason to take me w/ you.

Jeffrey Dahmer:

I was just reading about all that shit you did. That's pretty fucked up, dude.

Spiders:

You need to stop making webs in places where I walk into them. Try keeping them higher up in trees or something. I don't know. I don't make webs. That's your thing. Figure something out or your webs are gonna be seeing the business end of the broom before you can blink.

Here is my advice for young people joining the workforce:

Don't be helpful. It's the worst mistake you can make in an office environment. All of a sudden you will be a "go-to guy" for all sorts of minor computer-related dilemmas and the performing of minor favors. I made the mistake of being too helpful my first month working here and it took over thirty (30) months for me to get back to square one.

Make sure the CC: everybody in your office for every email you send. What this will do for you is get people to start ignoring your email which helps you cover your ass. For example, once your supervisor starts ignoring you, send him or her a message like, "Unless you inform me otherwise, I'm going to assume it's alright to take the rest of this month off starting on the second." When you get back, simply inform them that if they had been paying attention there never would have been any problems.

Do not learn or attempt to learn to use a computer. Most work these days in done on computers so if you don't know how to use it, they can't make you do any work. At the very least, avoid learning MS Excel. This will make you feel justified in making people who didn't take my first piece of advise seriously do rudimentary spreadsheet work for you.

If you ask someone to do something for you, make sure to be as unclear as possible. When they ask for clarification, ignore them until they actually finish it and show it to you at which point you suggest a bunch of changes that are equally vague as the original assignment. After a few rounds of this, accept something that looks virtually the same as the project as it was presented to you originally. Make sure whoever is doing this is under the impression that each step of this process needs to be done immediately and perfectly then ultimately end up contracting someone out to do it anyway. There's no reason to do this, really, but the power trip does feel good.

Here is something weird. The Google results from searching for luncheon meat vs. the plural luncheon meats are quite different indeed. Conspiracy? You be the judge.

What can I do w/ a Weekly Wrapup? Tell you what I did this week, that's what.

1. Told you all what's what.
2. Switched to the worst mouse ever made. (Screw you AOpen!)
3. Became a pillow.
4. Was guilt free for a period of several minutes.
5. Printed a coupon.
   
6. six six
7. Jammed.
   
8. Bought beef because chicken wasn't on sale anymore.
   
9. Considered proportions.

I hope that was to your liking, fools.

More facts:

1. It is ironic that in places where people actually care about soccer as a spectator sport, people don't call it by its proper name.
2. Everyone knows calling soccer "football" is stupid.

That's all for now. I advise you to keep these at your fingertips.

Facts:

1. Brian May has a terrible haircut. It's like a cross between the white afro (the most oxymoronic of haircuts) and the Jheri curl.
2. That's really how you're supposed to spell Jheri curl.
3. Glen Danzig is short.

That is all you need to know for today. I might hit you w/ some more tomorrow if you're lucky.

Rodents:

You really ought to hire some better PR people. It seems you are getting a bad rap you don't deserve. I mean, cats, in all their vile cruelty and filthiness, have a better image than you. There's gotta be something you can do.

Huns:

I wish you guys were still around. Rampaging is sweet.

Cookie Monster:

I know you have your shtick and everything but have you tried brownies? I think you might change your tune if you do.

Why is it that I keep checking the weather and seeing that the high is seven degrees, the low is negative two and the current temperature is negative seven. You would think they'd change the lows and highs once the actual temperature falls outside that range.