How to pretend you're an indy-rocker:
Mention Sonic Youth. Ask people if they've heard their collaboration with John Cage. Say you thought is was excellent. If they disagree, say they need to listen to it a few more times because the music is so freakin' far out it takes a while to shake the preconceived notions you have of what music is and what music can be. Talk about how vinyl is super rad and CD's suck. If someone asks you about a band you've never heard of say you heard some of their early demos and thought they were OK but never bothered with the official release. It's way cooler not to like stuff than it is to like it. Shop at thrift stores. Wear ironic t-shirts.
How to pretend you're a hippy:
Wear tie-dye. Buy hemp necklaces and say your friend made them for you. Get stoned. Wear ridiculously large pants and say your friend made them for you. Complain that you can't find any acid. Talk about the Dead. Say you followed Phish on tour. You paid for it by selling hemp jewelry your friend made. Bitch about current affairs. Say you're growing your hair out.
How to pretend you're goth:
Wear black. Say you hate Marilyn Manson. Talk about body piercing. Say you hate people, all people. Own a copy of the Satanic Bible. Really, really like Joy Division but not really New Order. If you're a girl you have to be either really hot or really fat. Regardless of gender, wear lipstick and black eye-liner. Talk about the time you tried to commit suicide.
How to pretend you're punk:
Get a silly hair-cut and a Crass T-shirt. Get boots and stomp around in them when you're not wearing Chuck Taylors. Talk about anarchy. Bitch about posers. Bitch about hippies. Bitch about cops. Go straight-edge or be religiously drunk. Bitch about drunk people or straight-edgers depending on which rout you chose. Bitch about George W. Bush. Put patches on a jean jacket and tear the sleeves off. Wear tight pants that looks stupid. Talk about seeing shows in peoples basements. Mosh!
How to pretend you're a blues-fan:
Don't mention BB King, it's a dead give away that you're a poser. Make up a name like Blind Fishwater Johnson and say he played for Muddy Waters in Chicago and say he's the best blues guitarist ever but he doesn't get any credit. Wonder if a white man can play the blues. Determine the answer to this question is yes because, like they say, everyone gets the blues. Every now and again say something as if you're a 75 year-old Creole Man from Louisiana even if you're a thirteen year-old and from Des Moines. Call harmonicas harps.
How to pretend you like Jazz:
Look down on all kinds of music that aren't jazz. Tell people you'd play them some Miles, but, like, they wouldn't understand, man. When watching a jazz band, comment on the rhythm section. Dress sharp. Remember, when people say an musician can really blow, it's not a comment on their ability to preform oral sex.
How to pretend you're a metal-head:
Don't bother.
Mention Sonic Youth. Ask people if they've heard their collaboration with John Cage. Say you thought is was excellent. If they disagree, say they need to listen to it a few more times because the music is so freakin' far out it takes a while to shake the preconceived notions you have of what music is and what music can be. Talk about how vinyl is super rad and CD's suck. If someone asks you about a band you've never heard of say you heard some of their early demos and thought they were OK but never bothered with the official release. It's way cooler not to like stuff than it is to like it. Shop at thrift stores. Wear ironic t-shirts.
How to pretend you're a hippy:
Wear tie-dye. Buy hemp necklaces and say your friend made them for you. Get stoned. Wear ridiculously large pants and say your friend made them for you. Complain that you can't find any acid. Talk about the Dead. Say you followed Phish on tour. You paid for it by selling hemp jewelry your friend made. Bitch about current affairs. Say you're growing your hair out.
How to pretend you're goth:
Wear black. Say you hate Marilyn Manson. Talk about body piercing. Say you hate people, all people. Own a copy of the Satanic Bible. Really, really like Joy Division but not really New Order. If you're a girl you have to be either really hot or really fat. Regardless of gender, wear lipstick and black eye-liner. Talk about the time you tried to commit suicide.
How to pretend you're punk:
Get a silly hair-cut and a Crass T-shirt. Get boots and stomp around in them when you're not wearing Chuck Taylors. Talk about anarchy. Bitch about posers. Bitch about hippies. Bitch about cops. Go straight-edge or be religiously drunk. Bitch about drunk people or straight-edgers depending on which rout you chose. Bitch about George W. Bush. Put patches on a jean jacket and tear the sleeves off. Wear tight pants that looks stupid. Talk about seeing shows in peoples basements. Mosh!
How to pretend you're a blues-fan:
Don't mention BB King, it's a dead give away that you're a poser. Make up a name like Blind Fishwater Johnson and say he played for Muddy Waters in Chicago and say he's the best blues guitarist ever but he doesn't get any credit. Wonder if a white man can play the blues. Determine the answer to this question is yes because, like they say, everyone gets the blues. Every now and again say something as if you're a 75 year-old Creole Man from Louisiana even if you're a thirteen year-old and from Des Moines. Call harmonicas harps.
How to pretend you like Jazz:
Look down on all kinds of music that aren't jazz. Tell people you'd play them some Miles, but, like, they wouldn't understand, man. When watching a jazz band, comment on the rhythm section. Dress sharp. Remember, when people say an musician can really blow, it's not a comment on their ability to preform oral sex.
How to pretend you're a metal-head:
Don't bother.
posted by Logical Frank @ 7:12 PM
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