Walking around Buckingham Fountain today, I spotted a gaggle of people on Segways. Upon closer inspection, I found that they were with a company creatively name "Chicago Segway Tours."

Call me crazy but this is one adventure I don't care to go on. Though, if I'm ever forced to undergo the indignity that is Segway travel, you can bet your ass I'm gonna do it naked with my dick painted red. Yeah. That's right. Red. I figure anything that's not sexual that's worth doing naked is worth doing with your dick painted red.

I know that making fun of the Segway is getting old but I seriously can't think of a more worthless invention. I appreciate the thought behind it but anyone in a condition where they might really need one is going to be old enough to be technophobic in that way where DVD players cause them to shit their pants (and old enough to shit their pants too). They'll be afraid to use the damn things no matter how often Dean Kamen goes on Jay Leno. This makes the official market of the Segway rich people who are too lazy to walk but not too lazy to stand. Sadly, that's a huge portion of society. Yay for capitalism!