Authors:

You will never be as good as Philip K. Dick. Give up. It's not worth trying.

Conservative Christians:

Everyone else knows you're money-grubbing assholes. Eventually you'll figure it out too and I hear a false-righteousness hangover is a bitch. You want to live like Christ? Sell your house and stop shopping at Wal-Mart.

Dogs:

Don't bark at me as if you could harm me through the fence. That shit is annoying. Don't make me poke you w/ a stick.

Postal Workers:

Shut up and do your job already. You have it pretty easy, you know. You could be cleaning up sick people's shit in a hospital but instead your dumb-ass gets to stand at a counter and weigh packages. I'm not asking you to be friendly or nice, just stop looking at me like I said I wanted to feast on your first born when all I want to do is send someone a goddamn parcel.

Short People:

Ha! You're short!

Monkeys:

Keep it up. You are wildly entertaining to us all and much better at swinging around in trees than anyone else I know. Truly, you are the salt of the earth.