Ladies, I'm sorry. It's true. The Logical One has fallen in love. Her name is Maria Bramford and I saw her on last nights episode of Tough Crowd. Her beautiful eyes and neurotic sense of humor get me all in a tizzy. I'm sitting here now plucking petals from a daisy. "She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me." I'm getting nervous....
"She loves me not." Bitch! I only dated her because I felt sorry for her anyway. She was really getting on my nerves toward the end of our relationship and I just knew it couldn't last. I broke it off and haven't looked back.
I've been getting a lot of email lately regarding how I organize my sock drawer. I must say that I don't. I have two kinds of socks--white and black. I just make sure they're the same color and it's cool. Some people worry about making sure their socks match exactly. To these people I have one thing to say:
Nobody cares about your socks!
They're covered by your shoes and pants. You can't see them. I could get a pair of socks that say "I hate fat people, hair stylists, and retards," and no fat person, hair stylist, or retard would ever know. Unless, of course, I wore shorts. But I don't wear shorts. I have knobby knees and bowed legs. It's embarrassing.
In other clothing related news, I have a pair of pants that I really like with one big problem--the fly keeps falling down. Don't worry. I've gotten over it. I just let it all hang out. When people tell me my fly's down, I just start talking about Frank Zappa as if that's what the conversation was about in the first place. "You know," I'll say, "Freak Out was the album that inspired Paul McCartney to write Sgt. Pepper and allow Michael Jackson to purchase the rights to all the old Beatles songs." In the moment of confusion that follows, I kick them in the shins and steal their wallets.
Have you ever worn your favorite hooded sweatshirt to work and not noticed it until several minutes after you started painting the bottom of a boat? Well, let me tell you, those stains are not easy to get out. Just make sure to wash it on cold so that the they don't set. Whatever you do, don't put that sucker in the dryer. If you do, you'll be SOL on ever getting that paint off.
I'd say you all had enough of me for now. Good bye.
"She loves me not." Bitch! I only dated her because I felt sorry for her anyway. She was really getting on my nerves toward the end of our relationship and I just knew it couldn't last. I broke it off and haven't looked back.
I've been getting a lot of email lately regarding how I organize my sock drawer. I must say that I don't. I have two kinds of socks--white and black. I just make sure they're the same color and it's cool. Some people worry about making sure their socks match exactly. To these people I have one thing to say:
Nobody cares about your socks!
They're covered by your shoes and pants. You can't see them. I could get a pair of socks that say "I hate fat people, hair stylists, and retards," and no fat person, hair stylist, or retard would ever know. Unless, of course, I wore shorts. But I don't wear shorts. I have knobby knees and bowed legs. It's embarrassing.
In other clothing related news, I have a pair of pants that I really like with one big problem--the fly keeps falling down. Don't worry. I've gotten over it. I just let it all hang out. When people tell me my fly's down, I just start talking about Frank Zappa as if that's what the conversation was about in the first place. "You know," I'll say, "Freak Out was the album that inspired Paul McCartney to write Sgt. Pepper and allow Michael Jackson to purchase the rights to all the old Beatles songs." In the moment of confusion that follows, I kick them in the shins and steal their wallets.
Have you ever worn your favorite hooded sweatshirt to work and not noticed it until several minutes after you started painting the bottom of a boat? Well, let me tell you, those stains are not easy to get out. Just make sure to wash it on cold so that the they don't set. Whatever you do, don't put that sucker in the dryer. If you do, you'll be SOL on ever getting that paint off.
I'd say you all had enough of me for now. Good bye.
posted by Logical Frank @ 7:40 PM
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