Logical Logbook

My thoughts are worth billions. My logic will end the world.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Question: Is it somehow impossible to apply sour cream or mayonnaise to food in quantities that can't be called gigantic? One would think it possible to use a small amount of either of these condiments but it seems most restaurants use an ice cream scoop to get them out of their containers. An exception to this rule is of course fast food restaurants. They use a device that looks very much like a caulking gun. How messed up is that?
I don't wanna do any work today.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I brought my lunch today. It tasted great but the quantity I brought was insufficient. I headed off to Seven Eleven in search of a supplement. This adventure lead me to many small defeats.

First, nobody drinks ginger ale anymore so, though I was craving it, I had to pick another beverage if I didn't want to venture from the Seven Eleven. The only rootbeer they had was A&W which I find to be inferior so my second choice was out as well. After perusing through the thirty odd energy drinks they sell there, I settled on juice--pineapple orange. I picked up a bottle and it seemed there were too many ingredients on the label which I figured would read as follows:

Ingredients: pineapple juice, orange juice.

Clearly, this was some insidious juice beverage rather than the real deal. As it turns out, almost all of the juice there was unholy to some degree. I was left w/ the two classics--apple and orange. I settled on apple and went about picking up a snack.

I knew it would be futile to attempt to find something I really liked so I looked about for something not terrible. All of the sandwiches contained ghastly meatlike products. There was a bean and cheese burrito but I didn't see how it could possibly be made of organic material. For some reason, I've always had an affinity for that ungodly nacho cheese you get at ballparks and movie theaters and they have that in spades at Seven Eleven. I picked up a package of chips, opened it and dumped it in the little tray they give you. I placed it under the spigot the cheese comes out of and... nothing. No cheese.

As there were no trash receptacles in the immediate area, I was left w/ something of a conundrum as to what to do w/ the cheeseless chips. I sure as hell wasn't going to buy them w/o cheese and I'll be damned if I was gonna soak them in the chili t of thehat comes out other spigot. Ultimately, I decided it would be least eventful if I just left them there for someone else to take care of. You'd be surprised how often this technique is used to solve problems.

Still, at this point I was snackless. They had donuts and you can't go wrong w/ donuts but these particular ones were looking a bit crusty so I passed. They had these packaged bagel bar things that were little bread sticks stuffed w/ something that undoubtedly only resembled cream cheese. Then there were chips. Mmmmm... chips. I searched the many racks but found most of the bags to be too large for my liking. I need a snack in the middle of the work day not nutrition for sitting in front of the TV for six hours. Eventually I spotted the small bags tucked neatly off in the corner. I grabbed a bag of T.G.I.Friday's Mozzarella Sticks. They tasted pretty much like Cheetos only they were brown. I guess that's OK.

Next time, I'm just gonna tough it out and get some pizza for dinner.
So they put the Christmas tree up in my office--right in front of my desk. I can only take so much holiday cheer and this is really pushing it.

Monday, November 28, 2005

So it's been a while but I'm alive. The hardest days to work are always the ones after you've been off for a while. Thankfully, my coworkers have been merciful--and by that I mean I don't want to kill any of them at the moment.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Edwardo's might be my favorite stuffed crust pizza in town--at least my favorite close to work. I ate there on my pizza break. This got me thinking about a couple things.

For one, everybody I work w/ thinks I'm off my nut completely that I'm willing to walk five minutes to get a lunch I really enjoy rather than settling for something that's w/in a few steps but doesn't quite hit the spot. Sometimes, I just wish I could say, "No wonder you've been on a diet for the past year and haven't lost an ounce." Seriously, the distances we are talking here aren't exactly marathon caliber. If you eat at Subway instead of getting something that is made mostly of organic material because you don't have to walk for it, you are just asking for health problems. Might as well take up smoking, maybe get the clap or bash your face in w/ a bottle of Heineken.

The other thing I always notice is that the young gentleman that usually takes my orders at Edwardo's has consistently bad facial hair and often a bad hairstyle to boot. This isn't much noteworthy aside from the sheer quantity of bad haircuts and oddly sculpted goatees he's went through. He's looked like everything from a short, chubby Eminem w/ a goatee to something akin to a short, chubby Flock of Seagulls w/ a goatee. Again, this is just one of those situations where you really want to--maybe even should--say something, a word advice, but it's socially inappropriate to do so. However, I do have to give this guy some respect. He always gets my pizza to me promptly and is destined to reach the higher levels of Edwardo's management. Also, now that I've been going more often, he recognizes me and hooks me up w/ an extra thign of salad dressing--parmesian and pepper, had to switch from the Caeser due to its anchovy content.
It's the day before Thanksgiving. I just came to work so I wouldn't have to burn a vacation day, which I regard as precious though I never use them. This is one of days where you just coast and kill time. I have fifteen minutes of work and five hours.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Knowing I have only one day of work left for this week is really putting ants in my pants--and I mean that literally. I'm a Myrmecologist.

Ha! How do you like that?

I admit that I had to look up that word. I didn't know how to spell "literally."
There was someone listening to what I thought was the radio. It seemed kind of odd to me that the radio station they were listening to only played commercials. I had a closer look. There's a CD on her desk--Moby's Play.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Alright folks. It's time. I finished just shy of doing nine things this week so I had to go out and do something on my pizza break. Now I'm ready for the Weekly Wrapup:

1. Got into it.
2. Started writing an article on homebrewing.
3. Was startled by a vast influx of blind people on the train.
4. Decided to drink beer in the cold rather than help poor people.
5. Stirred up much controversy.
6. six six
7. Struck a pose.
8. Failed to dance on the head of a pin like an unknown number of angels.
9. Considered getting a burrito but got pizza instead.

How do you like that? A lot, I bet.
A lot of people seem to think that last post was directed at them. Trust me. I really don't care that much about how you write.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

People shouldn't use more than one of the same punctuation mark in a row. Now, there's times when it looks like you're doing this where it's OK. For example, the ellipsis looks like three or four periods (you use four when you omit a whole sentence) but it's actually one make w/ multiple parts. The dash looks like two hyphens. That's cool too.

Basically, what I'm saying is using more than one question mark or exclamation point makes you look like a toothless retarded child in print.

I'm really not a huge fan of the exclamation point in general. It's like: Look how important I think I am! I'm shouting like an idiot!

And while we're at it, will you people stop using the question mark when things aren't questions for God's sake. Seriously. You use a period after you write "I don't know" unless you are unsure if you know or not--in which case you should probably stop typing and see a doctor.

I know my grammar is hardly perfect, I use the dash obsessively and I never spell out "w/" or use hyphens in words other than ro-bot but I just had to vent.
To my readers--

First, I must apologize for my lack of posting yesterday. As of late my faith that my blog can blow minds and conquer small but important regions of land such as the the coal producing region of Alsace has wavered like a single quill of barley in a windy field. It seems that the literally hundreds of thousands of manhours put into making this thing have been all but lost thus far.

The writing of yesterday's entry has been postponed indefinitely due to an emergency meeting of my highest ranking officials--including the foul smelling Philadelphian contingent. Obviously, this has come together through no small effort and some sacrifices had to be made blogside in order to accommodate such a monumental gathering of minds.

The purpose of this conference was to access the feasibility of continuing to produce such an astounding wealth of knowledge and insight at no cost to the public. Our conclusion is that, unfortunately, the Logical Logbook can remain in production until I get bored w/ it. This might be a long while as I am fully enamoured w/ my own style and wit.

Sincerely,
Br. Frank

P.S. Tell your mom to stop calling me. Also--I just finished eating my lunch of two guacamole tacos, refried beans and rice. I figured you would want to know.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

This has been of week of endless crisis around here. Thankfully, I can keep my cool. What most people call a "crisis" I call "maybe a small inconvenience." Nomenclature is at the heart of stress free living. Well--that and pizza.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I bought some contact solution at lunch. In line, I couldn't help but notice the odd assortment of impulse items they had available. I just imagined some going up and thinking, "Hey, I really need a vitamin supplement, acetone and a hands free attachment for my cell."

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's before noon on Saturday. I'm about to go drink a ton of beer.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Well--I'm packin' it up for the day. The federal workers are all out and my reports have been sent off to the powers that be. This gives me plenty of time to get down and dirty w/ everybody's favorite part of the week. Yes, that's right. Here it is. The Weekly Wrapup:

1. Turned right round like a record, baby.
2. Tried a new salad dressing.
3. Attempted the impossible in trying to make falafel from scratch.
4. Laughed at religious people.
5. Felt bad for a crack head's kid.
6. six six
7. Turned it way the hell up.
8. Made arrangements.
9. Considered breaking a skull (not my own).
"If I were in charge around here, I'd make some changes."
"Oh yea, like what?"
"For one, I would replace our tired postal workers w/ Vikings."

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Hey Steve. How's your daughter? I bet she's still cute as the dickens. I know you're my most regular reader so don't be shy to respond.
The elevators are down in my building. I have to take the stairs like a schmuck.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Dumb people are all annoying but some are more annoying than others. Here's how they rank w/ from least annoying to greatest.

  • Type one: Just plain dumb folks. This is your regular Joe who happens to be a bit slow witted--not very annoying at all aside from the occasional moment of exasperation when you try to explain something to them.
  • Type two: Dumb people who know they are dumb and constantly apologize for it while thanking you for your help. These are kindly folk who remind me somewhat of Hobbits. The most annoying of them are what you might call a ditz but most are just type one dummies who are aware of the burden they put on the world. Either way, the thanks of a dumb person doesn't mean much to me so I wish they would just go on their dumb way.
  • Type three: Dumb people who think they're smart. Now we're getting into the territory where you want to start smacking people. These are the people who get one small tidbit of information and think they know everything even though they misunderstand. I have seen them turn up the TV to try to correct the lip synching on an overdubbed movie.
  • Type four: Dumb people who demand that you help them figure every little thing out for you. Seriously. These people need to die. My fallen archnemesis Fraeulein X is a type four.
So there you go. Now go find some dumb people and classify them.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Instead of reading this, just imagine I'm playing a sweet riff.

Also--this is my pumpkin. He's lost his way and taken up smoking.

Monday, November 07, 2005

The office as been infected w/ donuts. I'm attracted to donuts like a cop to donuts. Oh... this can't be good.

I'm going in for round two.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Damnit. I have problems. I might have to stay late on Friday because of the incompetence of our webhosting people. Does this make me happy? No! I wanna be outta here as much as anything. Still, I will not let it stop me from writing the Weekly Wrapup. Here's what I did this week:

1. Grew more and more antsy w/ each passing second.
2. Rocked out w/ the fullness.
3. Planned further rocking out.
4. Bought a ticket for the Festival of Barrel Aged Beer
5. Didn't listen to Van Halen.
6. six six
7. Stayed out of trouble.
8. Showed up on time for the most part.
9. Considered a different course of action.

During the writing of this, my problems were resolved through w/o effort on my own part. Take that society!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

This fellow I work w/, James, has just informed me he's going to go get some more cheddar and he'll be back tomorrow, dog.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

If you look at the sidebar on the right, there's a little icon towards the bottom that says Mapstats. Click on that and you can see where the people who read this thing are. I have already assaulted somebody from Hungary w/ my acerbic wit. Take that, Hungary!
What are Tootsie Rolls made of? They're like some unholy alliance between chocolate and wax--not that I don't love 'em. And how come you can only get the weird flavored ones around Halloween time? They have the same texture as the regular ones only w/ fruit flavors and such. There's a vanilla one that's especially odd. I like to eat one of them at the same time as an orange one for a tasty wax creamcicle.

I am all for unholy candies but I do have to draw the line at circus peanuts and those little bottles of liquid that your mom used to put in my Easter basket. Those things make Tootsie Rolls look like organic vegan cuisine.

On a completely related note, while on my pizza break (this is what I call lunch now) I saw one of those sidewalk streetsweepers--the kind that the operator guides while walking behind it. That's not all so strange on it's own unless you take into account that it constantly repeated a word of caution... w/ a British accent. How do you like that?

Really, I want to know.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I love it when something I'm supposed to do gets done w/o me doing anything. It really fills me w/ a sense of pride knowing that I did nothing to achieve anything but I have the world set up so well that it turns completely to my satisfaction w/o my interference.